Rest for a Chaotic Mind
by speedfanatic05
Summary: Takes place after Lost Son, Alexx's POV. I don't own them , but i promise to take care of them.
1. Chapter 1

Rest for a Chaotic Mind

She'd done it again. She walked by his former department half expecting to see him through the window, but of course he wasn't. Instead she saw the room where he used to be, echos of the music pulsating while he worked a case, empty carrying only his essence now. She paused a moment imaging him as he worked from one item to another. While he worked ,the outside world disappeared, it was only him and the evidence. Exhaling deeply, she began to walk again, forcing the tears back. Getting on to the elevator, Alexx thought to herself, ' I gotta get away from here.' As the lift traveled down to the morgue , Alexx gazed into space, reminiscing on the good times with him; company picnics, nights out with the team, time with her family. Lost in the past, Alexx let the tears fall, contemplating turning around and walking out the door. Instead the door to the elevator opened and she stepped out.

She opened the door to the morgue, and shivered. The sensation caused confusion for Alexx; she didn't know if she belonged there anymore. Nothing had been the same since the day that he lain on her table. She constantly heard his voice, and saw his body still lying on the stainless steel. On that day , doing what came naturally, Alexx lost herself. Cutting him open , she stared into an abyss , unable to comprehend how he could end up on her table. Everyday, every moment since then, her mind filled with the details; shot in the chest , bullet lodged in the heart , blood in the lungs, died instantly. She couldn't escape the feeling of despair when she undressed him, or her heart breaking while she cleaned the blood off of his face. Unlike every other autopsy, she had been silent. Her tears were the only sound that was made as she made the Y incision.

Sighing deeply , she settled behind her desk, attempting to push the turmoil back in her mind, trying valiantly to finish reports that were piling up on her hard drive. From time to time she glanced at the autopsy theater, allowing the tears to resurface. It had been like this since he'd been gone. She could not finish her work, not in this room . Not where she last saw him. The cell phone at her side startled her out of her funk, the familiar ring annoying her. Despite her despair, life had to go on and it also had to end. Her job was never done.

The day was bright and warm, sweltering to the tourist, but it was comfortable to the locals, who were accustomed to the heat. Just another day in Miami. The wind was stiff ,but not enough to drive the humidity down. The haze of the sun pierced through Alexx's eyes that were red from crying, and she pulled her sunglasses down over them. She didn't want anyone to see that she had been crying yet again. She didn't know how many knew about her special relationship with Speed, frankly she didn't care. But she did catch wind of others talking in whispers about her detached behavior after he had died.

Getting out of the car, she noticed Horatio as he began to walk towards her. He was always in control of his emotions and sometimes that annoyed Alexx. Just once , she would've liked to have seen him cry for his fallen colleague. But Horatio just continued to work , pushing his pain aside. He'd been there when Speed was fatally shot. He held him and comforted him until his last labored breath passed from his lips. Then he went out and found the little boy and returned him to his mother. Speed would not be coming back, and Horatio knew that all too well. Still Alexx wondered how he was able to function at the level he did. Some days it was an effort for her to get out of bed, much less to perform in a successful manner at work. But years of sorrow and guilt had perfected Horatio's ability to focus on what mattered, completing the work he was commissioned to do.

"Alexx, how are you holding up?" He asked taking off the sunglasses. His blue eyes held concern and familiar sadness.

"I'm fine. It's just been a hard day for me, you know?" She said grabbing her kit. She really wasn't in the mood to talk. " Where's the DB?"

Horatio led her to a spot behind a cluster of bushes. " How original." Alexx said simply. She realized that she sounded like Speed. He always had a sarcastic comment to say.

Horatio looked at Alexx, observing the way she approached the scene. There was something definitely wrong with her. " Is everything alright, Alexx?"

Alexx continued to work, processing the body and ignoring Horatio's question. She didn't look up , knowing that if she saw Horatio's eyes, she would crumble. She couldn't deal with her feelings, not here, not now.

" Liver temp was 77 degrees, puts time of death around ten to twelve hours ago. She's got signs of strangulation , bruising presents that a rope of some kind was used. Found something on her eyes. I'll get it to Speed...Um Mr. Wolfe after post."She continued to work her preliminary analysis aware of what she said. She felt Horatio's compassion as he looked at her. He knelt down beside her , placing a comforting hand on her back. Before he could say anything , Alexx got up quickly. Turning away from him, she took a moment to gather her thoughts, staving off any tears that threatened to swell to the surface.

" I'll page you if I find anything else," she said with her back to him.

" Alexx,..."

"I'll know more at post."

" You need to talk to someone."

"I'll call you if I need you , Horatio," Alexx said walking away.

Horatio watched as she left, feeling that something wasn't right. He knew that someone had to talk to her about Speed. He himself had relented and began seeing a psychologist , and he was able to get his grief out. But , he still held the guilt of not being able to save him. He continued to watch Alexx as she passed by Calleigh and Eric without speaking and got into her car. Calliegh looked back at her with a quizzical expression.

"Horatio, what's going on with Alexx?", Calleigh asked.

" Speed."

Calleigh knew that Alexx had taken Speed's death hard , but she had decided to give her friend room to grieve. Now her concern grew as she observed as Alexx became more distant to her and the others.

"You want me to go talk to her?", Calleigh said her southern accent lilting.

" Let's process this scene first , then we can talk to her. As a team," Horatio said before the cell phone rang. He walked off leaving his two CSIs to do their work. As he talked with the detective on the other end, he still thought of Alexx. He didn't want to lose another member of his team.

Leaving the scene, Alexx's eyes overflowed. She couldn't stand it anymore, the memories, the feelings, the despair. She felt as if her sanity was slipping from her. She couldn't go back to the lab, he would be there haunting her conscience. She turned the car around and dialed the morgue. She needed to find peace ,to be with her feelings and to deal with them. There was only one place that she knew of that could provide her with that sanctuary.

Walking from the car, Alexx turned off her cell phone and slipped it into her purse. There would be no interruptions. Before bringing the car to a stop, Alexx had stopped at a florist and bought a single red rose which she now held in her hand. The light breeze kissed her face and fingered through her long hair. A sense of peace washed over her as she looked for the fountain. Finding it, she then walked to the right until she saw the bench. Looking down, she took off her sunglasses, revealing the pain in her eyes. She knelt down and ran her fingers over the marble stone, tracing the etching of the letters, Timothy J. Speedle 1972-2004. The tears flowed heavily as she placed the rose on top of the stone. She sat on her knees for a moment, letting her grief wash over her. She then got up and sat on the bench that she had erected in his memory, and began to speak. Her words, even though she spoke softly, sounded ominous in her ears.

" I thought about you a lot today, Timmy. I've been thinking about you a lot these days. I can't concentrate, get my work done , or function like a human being. I've alienated the team. It's horrible! You were the glue holding us together! I'm angry at you , Tim. I'm pissed that you left us. That you left me," Alexx said weeping again. The grief that she held hostage was taking over, making it hard for her to control her feelings. She didn't want to let it all go, she wanted to hold on to him. She couldn't let him go.

Then all of a sudden a strong breeze blew through the cemetery and whipped around Alexx. Even as her heart was in turmoil, she felt an easy presence. Rest was finally coming to her chaotic mind. She heard as a soft voice spoke to her, telling her to let it go. Remember, but let it go. She closed her eyes, letting the soothing breeze melt the pain and stress off of her shoulders. She swore to him that she would let it go.

Getting up from the bench, Alexx knelt down and touched her hand to her lips then to the stone.

"Thanks, Tim. I'll talk to you next week."

She walked back to her car , feeling the despair wafting behind her. Her heart had stopped breaking , but she knew that it would be a long time before she could truly let go of him and heal completely. She would make it inch by inch, breath by breath, day by day. With him always in her heart, she would make it.


	2. Chapter 2

2 Decisions

Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, I will return them in short order. In my world Speed lives, (just not in this one).

The sun had begun to set as Alexx pulled her car into her parking space. After leaving the cemetery, she had driven the streets of Miami, hoping that she would have enough courage to follow through with her decision. She drove until she her will had become strong , until she had a firm intent. It was that intent that was fueling her now. She would take care of the nagging pain that had not subsided at the cemetery.

Getting out of her car, she noticed as both Calleigh and Eric had left for the day, but the Hummer was still in its space. The gentle breeze that was with her when she was pouring out her pain, became evident. It knew her intentions. It soothe her fears and replenished her strength. She walked with purpose towards the building , knowing that this is where she had to be . She had to do this, no matter the cost.

Opening the doors, Alexx exhaled lightly, thankful that she had come at the right time. The day shift had left, and a few people on the night shift lingered in the lobby. She walked, setting her gaze on the bank of elevators. She caught one as it was going down and waited for anyone else to enter. When they didn't , she leaned on the elevator wall as the doors slid quietly together. Exhaustion had not yet claimed her , she was running on the pain and despair that she had carried for almost a year, and she wanted to shed it. She wanted to sleep. She wanted peace. The doors of the elevator opened and Alex x found herself staring at the doors to the morgue. Her determination waned slightly as she placed a hand on the door. Would he be there as he had always been, greeting her with sadness in his eyes? Would she hear his voice that echoed in her mind daily? Could she actually leave him as she planned to do? The questions swirled in her mind , making her dizzy. She closed her eyes and pushed the door open.

Entering the autopsy theater, Alexx walked quickly, mindful not to dwell on the stainless steel tables. She turned the lights on in her office, then did the same for her computer. Navigating

past her growing case files, Alexx thought out her plan. She would type the letters , deliver them, then leave. They deserved more, but it was all that Alexx could give them right now. She placed her fingers on the keyboard, then began to type. As she composed , the feelings came to surface and spilled onto the screen. They would know how she felt, finally understand what she had been going through. They would know that even though she had a full life , a family, she still felt empty without him. They would know why she had to leave, to get away, how the memories were slowly killing her. She wept as she typed , her soul being transferred from inside . When she was finished , she exhaled heavily then printed. As she waited , she felt a sudden urgency to get up and look into the autopsy theater. Stopping momentarily, she placed a hand on the doors leading to the room and took in a breath. Pushing the doors open, she saw him. Sitting on the very table that he lain on nearly a year ago, was Speed. He wore the blue shirt and black trousers that he died in, his hair was still dark and unruly, and his brown eyes were warm and held a little sadness. He was as she remembered him, alive.

In the stillness of the room, Alexx heard him as he spoke, his voice bringing tears to her eyes, "Alexx."

"Timmy," Alexx replied. Just to see him brought a small smile to her face.

"I'm sorry for this. For your pain."His voice was thick with sadness.

" Oh Timmy," Alexx said quietly. She wanted to embrace him, to comfort him, but she kept her distance. For a long time she had been angry at him , but now seeing him, that anger was forgotten. She wanted answers. " Why didn't you clean your gun?"

Speed got off of the table and approached her. Alexx felt the coolness as he came closer.

" That gun was nothing but an accessory to me. Something I put on everyday and disregarded when I got home. It wasn't important to me. What was important was following the evidence, examining the trace, catching the bad guy. Cleaning my gun was furthest from my mind. Even after Dispo day, I still ignored it." Speed said .

Alexx was taken aback by Speed's blunt demeanor, but she was not surprised. It was his style. But, he was presumptuous in thinking that it meant nothing.

" Furthest from your mind? Did you ever stop to think of your safety , the lives that you affected? The pain that your death caused? Were you that selfish to think that no one cared, or that no one would mourn you?" The anger returned to her. " Did you want to die?"

Speed winced at Alexx's fury and replied quietly, " I was never one who thought twice about that, Alex. I thought that no one cared really."

" You couldn't have been more wrong. I cared! I loved you as much as my own son. When I lost you, I lost a little of myself," Alexx screamed. The tears were streaming down her face. Speed lifted his hand to wipe the tears away and Alexx felt the coolness of his touch, but she was not chilled. He lifted her chin and looked her in the eyes, brown to brown, pain to pain. He then took her in an embrace as she began to weep. She held him tightly, she didn't want to let him go.

"I miss you , Speed," Alexx, said softly.

" I miss you."

"Alexx?"a voice called out.

Alexx sat up groggily, unable to focus. Had she nodded off? She shook the cobwebs from her mind, noticing the envelopes with names written on them. She then saw the figure in the doorway. Red hair. Disoriented, Alexx got up and inadvertently , knocked the envelopes to the floor. She moved to pick them up, but Horatio put a hand out to stop her and he picked them up himself. Returning them to the desk, he looked at Alex. She looked tired and distraught. He glanced at the envelopes on the desk and saw his name as well as Calleigh's and Eric's.

" I was coming down here to get a report from Glen. I saw your light on," Horatio said slightly turning his head, observing her. " What happened to you today?"

" I needed time to myself . To think."Alexx replied , almost losing herself in the sadness of his eyes. She knew that he still held on to the guilt of seeing Speed struggle to take his last breath, and being powerless to do anything.

" He was important to all of us, Alexx." Horatio whispered. His eyes began to well and he blinked the tears back , not wanting to expose his feelings.

" I know , Horatio, but you didn't have to cut him open..."

"He bled to death in my arms," Horatio replied , vindicating his guilt.

Alexx pleaded with her eyes to Horatio, she did not want this to turn into a competition as to who was hurting the most. Horatio glanced at the floor, trying to gather his thoughts. Alexx took the moment to hand him the envelope with his name on it.

" What's this?", he asked taking it.

"It's goodbye. Read it now or later, but don't try to talk me out of it. I've made my decision."

Horatio smiled lightly then gazed at the envelope, he knew that this moment was coming. For weeks he saw as Alexx had changed, how she no longer held the zeal for her work. " Are you going to stay in Miami?"

" No, I'm going back to New York. A fresh place. No memories. Speed can't haunt me there."

" You can't run from him, or your sadness, Alexx."

" I can't stay here. It will be better for me if I leave. I love Miami, I love my job. I love my second family , but I have to do this. I have to go."

Defeated, Horatio again dropped his eyes to the floor, " Will you come back?"

" Eventually, when it doesn't hurt anymore," Alex said lightly. " Thank you."

" For what?"

"For letting me know that I wasn't alone in grieving for Tim."

Horatio nodded and allowed a smile to creep along the corners of his mouth. He then opened his arms , inviting her into an embrace. Alexx felt the pain that radiated from him and soon felt as he began to weep. Finally he was letting it out. Alex held on to him as he wept, his body shaking at the release. He then quietly composed himself before speaking again.

" How am I going to replace you?"

" Don't. Just hire someone to do the job," Alexx said pulling back. She touched the remaining envelopes, " Can you give these to them? Tell them that I had to go. Tell them that I am sorry."

" You know , Calleigh , isn't going to take this well. She will look for you," Horatio said taking the envelopes and sliding them into his jacket pocket. He was resigned to the fact that she wasn't going to change her mind.

" Hold her off Horatio. It was hard enough to face you. I know she will be devastated, but you can take care of her , right?", Alexx said picking up her bag and walking to the door. She paused to look at Horatio one last time.

"Alexx?"

" Take care."

Alexx smiled as she turned to walk out of the office. She walked through the autopsy theater with a feeling of freedom. Her pain didn't own her anymore. Grief could not haunt her any longer, she was liberated.


	3. Chapter 3 Long Road Back

Chapter 3

Long Road Back

Disclaimer: I'll never own them.

A/N: It might get a little spiritual , but hang in there with me:)

Three years later...

Alexx stepped off the plane into the warm climate that was Miami. She had not felt the heat and humidity of the city that she had adored for three years. Now returning , she felt the familiar twinge of pain tugging at her heart. While away in New York, Alexx did heal , but he was still in the crevices of her soul, reminding her of his absence. There were moments that she cried softly at the memory of him. It had gotten better, but it hadn't completely left her. Horatio had been right, she couldn't run from her sadness or from him.

She sighed heavily as she felt the breeze lightly touch her face as she waited for a cab at the curb. There would be noone to pick her up, she had told noone of her intentions . She had come alone on his anniversary, and alone she wanted to be. Getting into the cab she stared out into the clear blue sky, wondering if she could handle going to see him by herself. _Maybe I should've called Horatio,_ she thought to herself. She grabbed her phone to do so, but in an instant , she put it back into her purse. He was most likely to be on a scene anyway.

Alexx looked at the cab driver and said, "The Agramont ,please."

She sat back and watched as the scenes of Miami passed her in a flurry. Nothing had changed in the course of three years and she smiled to herself at the last good memory she had of Speed. It warmed her spirit to think of him here, the pain that was so fresh three years ago was a distant memory. Tomorrow , she would go to see him.

Arriving at the motel, Alexx paid the cab driver and had the bell boy take her luggage inside. She checked in the room and made her way quietly. After the bell boy left, Alexx opened the curtains to let the sunshine in. She sat in the window for what felt like ages , letting the warm sunshine permeate through her. The sight of people below going about there business, reminded her that life went on. She wished that his life could continue.

A knock at her jarred her from her thoughts , and she frowned to herself. There should be no one looking for her. Crossing the room effortlessly, Alexx called out, " Who is it?"

Silence replied and she continued to walk to the door. She had a mind to ignore it, but she was curious. Looking out of the peep hole, she didn't see anyone. She shrugged her shoulders and started to walk away. Again, she heard a knock at the door. She again looked out of the peep hole and again she saw noone. Getting upset, Alexx snatched the door open and peered out. The hallway was deserted in both directions. A slight breeze passed through her as she closed the door. She then went back to the window and continued to look out. Standing at the corner, she saw a man. She could see from the way that he was standing that he was waiting for someone. There was something that was gravitating Alexx's attention to this man. As he looked up, seemingly right into Alexx's window, Alexx adverted her eyes. When she felt as if he had dropped his gaze, she returned her eyes back to the street to find that he was gone. Alexx sighed heavily as she closed the curtains and took off her shoes. She then turned the covers down and slipped into the bed. She would rest now, because she knew that she would need her strength tomorrow.

AW

_Walking to the stone , Alexx felt as the atmosphere had taken a heavier feel to it. She didn't feel the peace that she had felt three years ago when she last visited him. She looked up at the solitary spot with the bench, noticing someone sitting . She thought that she was the only one who was coming to see him..._

_As she approached the bench she took in a jagged breath. It was Speed. He gazed out into the distance, not noticing her as she walked hesitantly. Then he spoke without looking at her._

_" Alexx, I'm not going to bite you," he said with humor in his voice._

_" Timmy?" Alexx said as she stood over him. She wasn't believing her eyes. It was him, same shirt , same pants, same sadness in his eyes. " What are you doing here?"_

_" Alexx, I've been here all along, waiting for you to come back. Why did you leave?" he asked as he finally looked up at her. She saw the full brunt of his sadness._

_" I couldn't stay , Timmy. Everything I knew here reminded me of you. I couldn't live my life like that." Alexx said as she wiped a tear from her eye._

_" Take a seat, Alexx. We need to talk." Speed said patting the bench. He then looked absent minded at his own tombstone. " It has been three years. Three years , Alexx and you haven't found a way to get over it."_

_Alexx looked at him disgusted, " Get over it? You died Tim. I cared for you. Dammit , I loved you. And I should just shrug it off?"_

_" Yes, Alexx. The others did after few months. Even Horatio finally squared with it. But you, you held on to it. Why? Why couldn't you live your life? You had a family , you had your job, you had everything to live for."_

_"I didn't have you." Alexx said simply. She couldn't put into words the way she still felt about him. " You never got a chance to have children, Tim , so you can't possibly know how it feels to lose one. That's what I felt like, a grieving mother. It's not easy to get over grief that severe."_

_" I 'v e had my share of grief, Alexx. It tormented me for years after my best friend died. I felt like I let him down, much like what you probably feel like. But there came a time that I recognized that he wasn't coming back , and no amount of crying or grieving would bring him back. So I started to live._ _That's what I wanted for you, for all of you. Eric got it, Calleigh, got it, but..."_

_" I couldn't let you go ,Tim."Alexx replied softly. She noticed as the temperature had changed and a fierce wind had started to blow._

_" It's time for you to go, Alexx.," Speed said as he reached a hand to touch hers. " I'll be seeing you."_

_" What?" Alexx said as he got up. She looked up into his brown eyes._ " _Where are you going?"_

_" Where I belong. You need to return back to where you belong," he said as he started to walk away._

_" I don't know where I belong any more , Tim!" Alexx called after him. In an instant, he was gone. Alexx looked at the tombstone that bore his name, and sitting very neatly on top was a red rose. She picked it up and began to cry._

_AW_

The phone woke Alexx from her slumber. She put a hand out to search for the phone, knocking the head set off . She groggily got up and picked the phone up off of the floor.

" Hello?" Alexx said as she tried to stifle a yawn.

" Mrs. Woods, you have a message at the front desk. Would you care for someone to bring it up to you," a professional voice said.

" Umm... I'll come down to get it. Thank you," Alexx said hanging up the phone. She sat back down on the bed , and tried to shake the cobwebs from her mind. She faintly remembered her him. She then wondered who would be leaving messages for her.

Looking at her watch, she saw as it was almost a quarter to seven. She picked up the phone again and dialed a familiar number.

" Caine," the strong voice returned.

" Horatio, it's Alexx. I think we need to talk..."

TBC...


	4. Chapter 4

Conversations

Chapter 4

A/N: I love to use music to get in the moment. So today's selection alternates between Peter Gabriel and Sara Mclaughlin... Just in case you see something familiar.

Alexx paced around the front desk , unable to keep her mind steady. She had relented and called Horatio; she needed someone to talk to. After hanging up the phone , she remembered the mysterious message that was left for her, and here she was waiting in the lobby for the receptionist to return with it. In minutes a petite woman with shocking red hair handed the envelope to her and smiled sweetly. Alexx looked the envelope over and asked, " Did you see who left this?"

" I'm sorry Mrs. Woods, but I wasn't on duty. Maybe the manager could tell you. I can call him if you like."

" No, that's ok," Alexx returned as she saw Horatio walk through the front door. She had never in her life been more happier to see some one. She walked over to him and felt a small hint of relief as he met her. His eyes twinkled in the light of the lobby and a wide smile had set up residence on his face. He was glad to see her.

" Horatio, I'm so glad you are here."

" I was surprised when you called me , Alexx. I hadn't heard from you in three years. Are you ok?"

" No, Horatio. I'm not. I feel like I am losing my mind. Everyday, I can't let go... I can't..." Alexx said as her throat tightened with sobs. She was unraveling at the seams. She lost her balance and tipped backwards. Horatio caught her and led her to a seat.

" Alexx, you are killing yourself. He's been gone for almost four years. Why can't you let him go?" Horatio said as he put a gentle hand on her arm.

Alexx held her head in her hands and continued to cry, " I don't know Horatio. I want to let him go , but something keeps forcing me to hold on to him."

" Have you talked to anyone about this?"

" I talked to a therapist a couple of years back, but she said that it was a normal grieving period for someone as close as he was to me. She told me that I would come out of it. But I haven't . Every day, I feel him in my soul, I see him when I dream and I die with him over and over again. I just want peace. I want to belong somewhere again."

" You've always had a place to belong, Alexx. But you shut us out."

Alexx glanced up at him and smiled weakly, " I am sorry about that, Horatio. It made sense to me to get up and run ,but you were right. I could never run away from him."

" Stop running. Alexx, you have to realize that life carries on. It was devastating to lose Tim, but he wouldn't want any of us to suffer the way you have been. He would want you to live a productive life. What is it that you feel like you have to prove to him, or to us?"

" I should've been there for him. I should've been the one to make him clean his gun more often," Alexx blurted out. It had surfaced finally; she felt guilty. " I let him down."

Horatio moved to take her in an embrace as she retreated into her tears once more. Her body gave way at the confession.

" Alexx, there was nothing any of us could do about that. Tim was a great CSI because he paid attention to detail, so much that he didn't give the little things, such as cleaning his gun, a second glance. It was his nature and you know as well as I do that once Tim got something in his mind, there was no changing it. But Alexx, you don't have to suffer with this guilt. It was no one's fault..."

" Why does it feel like it?" she asked as she pulled away.

" I don't know, Alexx , but I know this, you have grieved long enough for Tim. You've let it consume you."

"It's so hard to move on, Horatio. I still love and care for him even though he's not here."

" You've got to try, Alexx. Your life depends on it." Horatio said offering his hand. " Come on. I think it would be good for you to be around people you love and who love you."

Alexx smiled slightly and nodded, " You are right, Horatio. If I want to get better, I need to help myself." She got up and the envelope dropped from her lap.

" What is this?" Horatio said bending down to pick it up.

" A message that was left for me. It's odd because no one knew I was coming."

" Have you opened it?" Horatio asked as he looked the envelope over. It was blank with the exception of her name written neatly across the front.

" No, but there's no reason that I couldn't do it now, " Alexx said as she took the envelope from Horatio. She opened it and read thewords that were printed in neatly.

" What does it say?"

" It says that if I wanted to find peace go to this address at 2:00 pm tomorrow." Alexx said as she showed Horatio the letter.

" Alexx, this address is the cemetery. Why two o'clock tomorrow?"

" I don't know, Horatio, but if it can help put my chaotic mind to rest, then I see no harm in going."

Horatio looked at her incredously, " You are not serious are you?"

" You can come along if you like Horatio to make sure that I will be ok. Now where are you taking me?" Alexx said feeling a little better.

" To see some friends that have been missing you." Horatio said as he led her to the door.

" They are still at the lab?"

" They live at the lab," Horatio said as a smile lit up his face. He was determined to see his friend whole again.

TBC...


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Confessions and Conclusions

Chapter 5

The lab was just as she remembered it, the crisp lighting that each lab held and the state of the art equipment that was essential to the job. As she came up to the trace lab she felt the familiar sting of her sadness as it tried to invade her. She pushed it back and asked Horatio, " Could I go in for just a moment? I promise that I won't touch anything that is being processed."

" Sure. The tech is on break and there's nothing on the scopes. I'll be back in a moment ,ok?" Horatio said as he saw her. She had a distant look in her eyes. " Are you going to be ok here?"

" Yeah sure Horatio. I'll be fine." Alexx said as she pushed the door open. Horatio walked away in the direction of his office, looking back at her.

Alexx walked in and immediately felt the essence of him here. She glanced at what used to be his desk and saw where all of his books had been moved. Then she moved to the tables that held the powerful microscopes and tools that were necessary for the job. She saw him sitting at the table with his head phones on working on a piece of evidence. In an instant that memory faded as she saw him getting up with a file in his hand. She then saw him as he looked up from what he was working on to flash her a smile. Tears came to her eyes as that image faded as well. She sighed audibly as she got up and walked to the desk. The new trace analyst had his belongings scattered across it, but she plainly saw it. It was a picture sticking out from under the desk. Bending down, Alexx tried to reach it but losing her balance causing her to fall forward. As she did so, all of the papers on the desk came crashing down on to the floor. She quickly got up and started to pick up the numerous pages of reports. After she finished her eye caught a piece of light blue fabric that was lodged behind the file cabinet. She pulled with all of her might until she got it loose. Shaking it out, she saw that it was a lab coat. The name T Speedle was written on the left side.

Alexx held it out then pulled it closer to her as the memories flooded her senses. She smelled the faint aroma of his cologne that had been trapped in the fibers. This was the last piece of him that Alexx had. She felt inside the pockets, noticing that there was something there. It was an envelope and it had her name on it. She looked around to make sure that there was noone around then sat down in the chair and draped the lab coat over her lap.

Opening the envelope she saw the letter and a key . She read over the words slowly ,recognizing his hand writing.

_Alexx,_

_If you are reading this then I have done something stupid like getting myself killed. If that is the case, then I am truly sorry. This is a letter to you so I don't want you to show it to anyone. Got it?_

Alexx smiled at the thought of him writing this letter.

_What I wanted to say to you Alexx is that I love you. You have been there more than anyone. You have been my mother ,my friend, my confidant. I would not have traded the time that I have known you for anything. You have taught me things that I would've never known , like how to trust someone and how to trust myself again. After the death of my best friend, I shut down. I became a shell of the person that I had been. When I met you , I finally knew that I could move on. I could trust you with my friendship. Yes, I know what you are thinking , but Delko was a hanging partner. You , you were my rock. I wish I could be there to tell you this in person, and I wished that I had the courage to do it while I was still alive, but I didn't. I'm sorry._

_Alexx, I know that if anything has happened to me, you would grieve. But I don't want you to let it consume you. Let it out and move on. Please carry on with your life. Miss me but let me go._

_Remember that life carries on, Alexx._

_You must be wondering what the key is for. Well, I being the studious person that I am had a will drawn up and in the event of my death all of my possessions were to be put in storage. Everything should be in there, even my Ducati. The keys to the bike should be in an envelope in the other pocket of my lab coat._

Alexx felt the other pocket, and sure enough, there was the envelope. She opened it and found the key.

_Take whatever you want sell the rest , if you like. I don't know if you are going to ride the bike. If not you can let Delko have it. I would plead that you at least tried before giving it to him._

Alexx noticed the hesitation before he started to write again and she saw a stain on the paper , figuring that he had been crying. Tears flowed over as she read the remainder of the letter.

_Alexx, I am so sorry that you even have to read this letter. It's existence is a testament to bad choices made in a short time span. I fear that I haven't listened to all of your advice. Please forgive me. Hug Janie and Bryan for me... And save a big hug and kiss for you._

_Love ( Your Son)_

_Tim Speedle._

Alexx folded the letter up and the tears flowed freely and held the key to the Ducati in her hand. She then took off her necklace and slid the key on to it and replaced it back on her neck. Picking up her bag , she slipped the letter in and zipped it up then got up. As she made her way to the door she saw as a young man opened the door and looked at her expectantly. He saw that she had a old lab coat with her.

" Can I help you?" the young man asked.

" I'm ok. My name is Alexx Woods. I used to work here," she said as she extended her hand.

" I am Ryan Wolf. I just joined up a few years ago, but I don't remember hearing about an Alexx Woods. Did you work in the lab?"

" No, I was with the ME's office."

" Medical Examiner? Oh yeah, I remember. You had the fastest scalpel in the east, at least that was what Lt. Caine said."

" Really, he said that?" Alexx asked surprised.

" Yes. He has had the worse time keeping that position filled since you left," Ryan said smiling lightly. " He actually fired Glen because of the amounts of exhumations that had to be performed. It wasn't a good year for the CSIs of Miami."

Alexx saw as Horatio was walking towards the door and she excused herself.

" Will you be around?" Wolfe asked. He had actually liked talking to her. She was the only one who actually listened to him.

" Maybe." Alexx said flashing him a smile as she met Horatio in the corridor

* * *

Alexx woke up with the intentions of going to the storage facility before she went to the cemetery and she had little time for any set backs. She was curious to know what was going to happen at two o'clock. She remembered seeing Eric and Calleigh for the first time in three years. Many tears had been shed over the course of the night as well as many laughs. It felt good to be around her family again. 

Before leaving the lab she had pulled Horatio to the side and told him that she wanted to come back.

" Are you sure?" he had asked.

" Yes. I think it is about time that I stopped hiding and started dealing." Alexx said. Reading that letter had made her realize that she wasn't following his last wishes and she figured the best way to honor him was by living.

She had been so happy when Horatio told her that it was an absolute must that she come back, that she barely slept through the night. Despite that, she got up easily and took a shower. Walking out of the room, she felt like a new woman.

It only took her about an hour to find the storage facility and she called Horatio to thank him for letting her use a Hummer so that she could get around the city. When she arrived at the front door , she pulled the key to the lock out of her bag. Signing the necessary papers, Alexx followed the attendant to Tim's lot. He instructed her on how to unlock it and then left her to be alone.

She opened the door to the storage room and her eyes took in all that was left of him. There were boxes everywhere, mostly filled with books ranging from plant life to motocross to a chemical elements manual. She then saw the boxes of gourmet cooking pans followed by racks and racks of clothes. She took her time to go through the box that was before her and found his diploma from high school and his Masters Degree from Columbia. Under all of the rest of his accolades she found a photo album. She sat and leafed through the pages and pages of pictures of him as a little boy on up to his time in Miami. Her eyes rested on a picture that was taken at a company picnic, he was leaning on a bat and smiling to someone off camera. The picture made tears come to her eyes as she remembered the killer smile that he rarely let out. Putting the pictures away, she looked at her watch, one thirty. She then circled the rest of the room until she came to what she wanted. She flipped the tarp covering off , revealing the pristine yellow Ducati. She slipped the necklace off and placed the key in the ignition. The sound of the motor was deafening in the small space and after a moment she turned it off. She sat on the bike a moment longer then got off and covered it back. She would be definitely be keeping the Ducati. After she wrote down some information ,collected the photo album, his diplomas and degree, she closed the door and locked it again. She then slipped her necklace back on as she walked back to the Hummer. One forty-five, she had somewhere to be.

A/W

She walked slowly to his resting place , unsure of what she was feeling. The letter had injected her with some peace of mind, but she still had a little piece of her that still wanted to hurt for him. Coming to the headstone she took off her sunglasses and knelt down. Weeds had started to grow up and she quickly pulled them out with her bare hands. The first thing she was going to do was hire someone to keep his grave clean and cut. She wouldn't stand for his final resting place being taken over by weeds.

She traced her fingers over his name and his date of birth and death, feeling the tears starting to roll out of her eyes. She sighed heavily as she let her hand rest on the stone. Feeling someone behind her she turned quickly to see him standing there. He had light in his warm brown eyes and a smile played on his lips. He seemed happy. Alexx pinched herself to make sure that she wasn't sleeping like the other times. When she was satisfied that she was awake, she got up and faced him. He approached her and stood in front of her. She remembered in her dreams that he had felt cold, but there was nothing like that here. Warmness radiated from him.

" Alexx. I am glad to see you got my message. All of them," he said still smiling.

" Yes, I got them. Thank you for the beautiful letter. It is what saved me. Twenty-four hours ago I would've contemplated suicide to end this pain that I carried with me, but I couldn't now that I know how you felt. I intend on fulfilling your wishes, Timmy."

" I just wanted you to finally be happy. I'm kind of upset that it took you three years to find my lab coat though." Tim said as he inched closer with a smirk on his face. " There's no telling who could've gone through it."

" Maybe you knew something that day, Tim. I found it behind the file cabinet, untouched," Alexx said quietly.

" I felt like something was going to happen almost a week before that day , that's when I went and took care of my will, made sure that it was up to date and I established a trust fund for Jaine and Bryan. My dad was filthy rich but I never used any money that he put away for me, with the exception of buying the Ducati, so I figured what a way to repay the woman who took care of me. Now you don't have to worry about money for college. It's all taken care of."

" Timmy, you didn't have to..." Alexx said as she tried to stifle a cry. He had always been so thoughtful.

" I wanted to . You gave me so much. It was the least I could do."

" You being you was enough. But thank you. I am sure they will appreciate it."

" I see you got the keys. You went through my things?" he asked as he shifted his weight.

" Yes. I want to take the pictures and your diplomas and put them up in my office. And I saw your Ducati. Great condition. I am going to keep it. Maybe I will get a license for it." Alexx said giving him a dazzling smile. He smiled back at her.

" I'm glad that you have finally found it, Alexx," Tim said as he reached out for her arm.

" Found what?"

" Rest for your chaotic mind," Speed replied as he pulled her into an embrace. His warmth seeped into her soul replacing the coldness of her grief. Tears flowed down her face as he let her go. " Why are you crying, Alexx?"

" Because I am happy. I have found closure. Instead of pain I feel your life. I know you are in a better place. And that means the world to me."

" Live your life, Alexx, and come to see me. Just because I can't be seen doesn't mean I won't be able to hear you."

" I could never forget about you, Tim, and I never will."

" Good to know. I've got to go now. Remember ' they say life goes on'." Tim said as he turned to walk away.

" Bye Timothy." Alexx said as she wiped the tears from her eyes. The last thing she saw was that same killer smile in the picnic picture. She would remember it until the day she died. As he disappeared, she saw Eric , Calleigh and Horatio walking towards her. She greeted them all with hugs and told them about the storage room. They then sat in silence as they remembered him with happiness in their hearts. Rest had come to all of them, finally.

The End.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this story .Please read and review. I am interested in knowing how all of you feel about it...


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